


Echidna Touchstone's Pamphlet of Impractical Cats

by WarnerHedgehog



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats - T. S. Eliot
Genre: Felines, Gen, Jellicle, Poetry, TS Eliot, kitties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2018-07-26 22:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7593577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the famous work by TS Eliot, this will be a collection of poems based on his characters and the various cats that lurk around here.<br/>I do not know how many poems or stories will be included. I'll know when It's done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fumbletips the Wuss Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of the cats around here are like Fumbletips. More mouse than cat.

Fumbletips the wuss cat  
On the shed lying flat  
Soaks the sun throughout the day  
Sees a human and runs away

Likes to hide out of sight  
Sooner run than try and fight  
Small and grey and not too shabby  
Stripey shiny little tabby

Kitty treats tempt him near  
Overcome his kitty fear  
He doesn't hang around for long  
A scary sound and he's gone 

Mice cause him no problem  
Fumbletips will hunt them  
If he sees things much bigger  
You'll see his retreating figure 

A cat so timid you can't pet  
Of that fact you can't forget  
Your puss cat's a wussy cat  
And I'll leave it at that


	2. The Wise One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some cats are respected by all.

Old Deuteronomy, a cat long since gone  
Was missed by many, respected by all  
Even Macavity grudgingly says  
Old Deuteronomy was one of the best

A cat that has won that much praise  
Was on top of his game for most of his days  
And if a villain will admit to that  
Then we are dealing with one hell of a cat

He may have been old, he may have been slow  
But old Deuteronomy was a cat in the know  
We know he was wise, we know he was smart  
He turned felinity into an art

And now Deuteronomy, a Jellicle king  
Has blown away on a Jellicle wind  
The baton of leadership now it will pass  
To another wise cat in the Jellicle cast

Whoever it is will be well loved  
By all of the cats in whom he trusts  
But the new leader must do what is fair  
And decide who will go to the Heaviside Layer


	3. Piglet Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rotund kitty pokes his whiskers in.  
> This one's dedicated to Fred.

Piglet Cat, his head you pat  
Where he strays, not far away  
Food is near, have no fear  
He will come, back for some

Piglet Cat, you're not fat  
Nicely plump, not some lump  
Who says you cannot move  
You still hunt, twice or once.

Gently doze, outstretched toes  
Looking stunned in the sun  
Cooking slow till time to go  
On his beat, food to eat

Piglet Cat, on his back  
On his own, in the zone  
Belly scritch may make him shift  
Until then, turn again 

Soon enough he gets up  
On the fly, new place to lie  
Oh hang on, something's wrong  
Feet are fleet, it's time to eat.


	4. Villainous Intent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's Macavity up to?

Macavity slinks low, his nose kept to the ground  
Catnip is always available whenever he's around  
It cannot be legal  
It cannot be right  
That does not matter to Macavity tonight

His mission very simple, his night is neatly planned  
You may think that he's doing something underhand  
Before you can think once  
His wicked plan is done  
He's sown fear in the heart of the Jellicle gang for fun

Macavity so dark and sly, of the light he is shy  
With a secret purpose he gently creeps on by  
Silent as the night  
And Ready to fight  
With velvet paws he sneaks without having to try

When the job is done, into the night he goes  
After giving the Jellicles a bucketful of woes  
His work tonight is finished  
His chosen task is done  
He'll now wait for another night to do another one


	5. The Ballad of Atlanticade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some cats are prettier than others. So they think.

Atlanticade she looks her best  
She thinks she's prettier than the rest  
No idle boast, no thoughtless jest

Her lovely fur is neatly coiffed  
She'll never roam some dusty loft  
Just keeps herself clean and soft

On a window sill, looking out  
A feline stare, a kitty pout  
She mews gently, she never shouts

Tread so gentle, grace and poise  
Purr so classy, no wasted noise  
Those horrid alley cats, she always avoids

In her little world she looks tops  
Prettier than those Pollicle dogs  
Infinitely superior to mice and to frogs

Atlanticade just seems aloof  
But it's a look to hide the truth  
She's merely groomed and very cute


	6. Winning Twins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coricopat and Tantomile star in this little tale.

Coricopat and Tantomile  
Been together quite a while  
Known each other all their lives  
They can read each other's minds   
Cloudy tabbies full of grace  
Yet crossing them is a mistake  
But crossing them once was a cat  
(More a feline sewer rat)

When they aided wizard John  
A mission they were both sent on  
Go retrieve a priceless thing  
A mystic cup that's made of tin  
To aid them on this dangerous task  
A Bengal known as Mintoflask  
They thought he was a fellow fine  
But betrayal was on Minto's mind

Minto knew the artifact  
Was worth a lot to the right cat  
And if anyone got in his way  
They'd never see the light of day  
Wait he would till time was right  
And steal it in the dead of night  
Let the siblings do their work  
Then pinch it like an evil jerk

The object was in a dark place  
In a castle, in a case  
Guarded by some demon dogs  
(Nasty brutes with teeth like logs)  
But Tantomile and Coricopat   
Were magic feline acrobats  
Who used their practiced magic powers  
To replace it with a vase of flowers 

_The following night they got a fright  
Mintoflask made his move at last   
To Tantomile he was quite vile  
And hit her head to leave her dead  
But Coricopat moved too fast  
And Minto's plan went down the pan_

Coricopat used his magic  
So Tanto's fate it was not tragic  
Mintoflask's plan had failed  
He never got that mystic grail  
His fateful fight with Coricopat   
Left him beaten, lying flat  
His encounter was such that  
He vowed to never be as bad

As for our two jellicle heroes  
They left Minko as a zero  
Their job they had to carry on  
And get back to wizard John  
The magic cup they'll return  
And get what they've earned  
He'll soon praise those magic cats  
Tantomile and Coricopat


	7. Pollicle Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pollicles are angry!

The Jellicle boys are uneasy, Jellicle girls beware  
Pollicle dogs are on the prowl, there's danger in the air

Pollicle leaders are angry, Macavity's been on their case  
Causing chaos under their nose, And they want him out of their face

What has Macavity done?  
Inciting riots for fun?  
Where on earth has he been?  
In the pollicle canteen!  
The goal of this criminal dude  
Was probably pollicle food  
Now they want to get us back  
For this wanton and dangerous cat

Now he's had it away, Vanished into the night  
The pollicles now look our way, Revenge is on their minds 

Barks and growls they make, Snarls and vicious sounds  
They are on a kitty hunt, Noses to the ground

What on earth do we do?  
It's all cause of you-know-who  
The last thing we want is a fight  
We don't want to test out their bite  
We'll have to stay out of their way  
And fight another day  
But we'll keep our claws sharp  
If a battle is on the cards

If Rumpus Cat were here, we'd stand a better chance  
In this our luck is out, and we need better plans

We'll use Mistoffelees' magic, disappear into the air  
Like ghosts we'll away into the night, the Pollicles we'll scare.

The battle has come to naught  
No way would we get caught  
The Pollicle menace has gone  
To undo what Macavity's done  
Now we must regroup  
As a united Jellicle troupe  
For the day soon starts anew  
And there's important sleeping to do.


	8. The Cat of the Waterways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not all cats live on land.

If you think about canals or rivers you can sail  
To a cat on board a boat, they must seem like a jail  
If you consider waves and wakes, and how a boat will rock  
You would think a cat would run as soon as you hit the docks

But the cat I have in mind isn't going to run away  
Life on board is very good and there he wants to stay  
On the roof and in the sun he can oft be found  
He’s not one for climbing trees or scurrying around

Bruff the Boat, he stays on Deck,   
Keeping his humans in check  
As they go down waterways  
Pubbing at the end of day  
Bruff he stays aboard the ship  
Keeping stern watch over it  
When they return to their nest  
That's when Bruff the Boat can rest

The ship that Bruff the Boat calls home, his floating domicile  
Is called The Queen of All Canals and cost a pretty pile  
He prowls the decks and kitchenette, keeping watch for little pests  
He does so well that 'Bruff’ is written on his own life vest.

Bruff the Boat he watches fish, and birds as they whizz past  
Sometimes he tries to capture them but they're much too fast  
Once he tried to stalk a heron as it stood upon the bow  
But when he saw the size of it, just gave it a miaow

Bruff in short is a busy cat  
Always knows what he's at  
Security upon the barge  
Is his job by and large  
He keeps it free of mice and birds  
A solemn task he never shirks  
This feline knows where he wants to stay  
For he’s the cat of the waterways.


	9. The Music Kitty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What of Bill Bailey? What's his story?

If you want a beat, Bill Bailey is the one  
He’ll sit on top of a litter bin and use it as a drum  
If you’d like a tune, something more melodic  
He’ll use anything he can to make something quite symphonic

For Bill is quite unique, in this Jellicle troupe  
He can turn quite raucous cats into a honed barbershop group  
But in looks he's not alone, another cat looks like him  
Tumblebrutus is the one who’s almost his kitty twin

Patched with reddish brown, over grubby white  
Both quite acrobatic, on their feet quite light  
Together they will roam, using their similar looks  
To confuse the locals and tourists into dropping edible goods

When people see them, they often stop and stare  
As they’ve never seen such a neatly matched pair  
Bill and Tumblebrutus enjoy their little games  
As they stalk the back streets and London's little lanes

But when he's on his own, Bill listens for a tune  
Which is why he likes to hang around a pub or a saloon  
He loves to hear a Jukebox, or a rocking band  
Even a karaoke night if that is what's to hand

But his latest little project, a simple, modest plan  
Involves all the kitties, the entire Jellicle gang  
He's planned a grand performance, a glittery kind of ball  
The Regal Jellicle Choir at The Royal Albert Hall

The operation’s simple, a nifty work of art  
And every choir member really knows their part  
Bill would tell you more, but now he has to run  
There's a choir to be organised and it's very nearly done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to the other Bill Bailey: The beardy, hippy, nutter-magnet comedian. Satan's Chaffinch!


	10. The Georgian Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A great cat of days gone by.

I will tell you all a tale, a Jellicle of old  
A cat of highest bravery, a feline very bold  
Times I have to say were tough, times were very hard  
War had set about the land, troubles wide and far

In the days of mad King George there was a plague of rats  
They got into everything, even cider vats  
A threat they were to house and home, to wheat and barley crops  
The matter went to Parliament, to the very top

A mouser of the highest grade, a cat of utmost skill  
Was needed to sort the problem rats, to go out and kill  
Trixenstaff was drafted in, to fight the vermin foe  
Her class were sharp, senses tuned, she was good to go

Trixie started right away, prowling through the barns  
Hunting down the rats and mice as they plagued the farms  
She creapt around the corn fields, chasing down her prey  
Stopping any rodent that got in her way

But the rodents had a hero, a champion named Flix  
a giant rat whose aim in life was to give Trixie a kick  
This ogre was enormous, a monster among rats  
A vicious demonic character who’d seen off many cats

His claws were long and pointy, his tail just like a whip  
His teeth a pair of razor blades that would do more than nip  
A showdown was arranged, a reckoning was in place  
Trixenstaff and Flix would meet, they’d meet face to face

If Trixie was to win, the rats would calmly go  
And if Flix would win the fight, well you don't want to know  
The battleground was ready, the warriors were poised  
Spectators watched anxiously and made a lot of noise

Flix moved first: he’d done research  
On Trixie’s ways for this day  
If Trixie won, he’d be done  
But our Trix, moved too quick  
Dodged his jaws and his claws  
She’d learned too, Flix she knew  
He’d strike fast, so for her to last  
Smart she’d be and claim victory

The battle raged, they traded blows, both sides looking good  
Flix and Trixie fought their best, doing all they could  
Finally Trixenstaff caught a lucky break  
Flix tripped over his own tail, a bad mistake to make

Trixenstaff saw her chance and pounced upon her foe  
Flix was in a tangle, with no place to go  
Trixie knew she had no choice, she could not be slow  
And with super feline effort, dealt the final blow

The rats accepted their defeat and with the mice they left  
Promising never to return, they'd been beaten by the best  
They were good to their word and never once returned  
The crisis was averted, the invasion had been burned

Trixenstaff was taken to London to King George  
She was given Royal treatment, a complete London tour  
George conferred on Trixenstaff the title of Grand Dame  
And a diamond studded collar emblazoned with her name

Songs and stories were composed about her noble task  
Or how she helped King and country beat a rodent army vast  
So now we celebrate a cat, a legend and a half  
The saviour of Georgian times, the great Trixenstaff


	11. Jemima Awaits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemima pokes her delicate nose in, hoping to catch some choice bits.

Jemima lurks, Jemima Waits  
Soon the people will finish their plates  
Jemima’s smart, appears to nap  
Jemima will finish on the diner’s scraps

She likes to be by cafe doors  
See what people will drop on the floor  
But if dropped food she cannot win  
She’ll have to dig around inside the bins

This Jemima does not like  
It goes against her Jellicle pride  
She doesn't care to hunt through trash  
Just to find some manky snacks

She'd sooner be at the Ritz  
Taking rather dainty sips  
From a classic cocktail glass  
You don't drink those things fast  
She would find on caviar  
Exotic things from wide and far  
The rich and famous she would see  
Shame it's just a fantasy

Reality settles in  
Jemima focuses again  
On her foodie prize  
Behind the cafe door it lies

Jemima could go and beg  
Purr around a tourist’s leg  
But good things come to those who wait  
And Jemima could do this all day.


	12. Squeakypurr the House Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This little bundle of fuzz is very closely related to Piglet Cat.   
> This is also dedicated to Fred.

Squeakypurr is black and white  
He loafs about all day  
Jellicles lie where they like  
And always get their way

To his humans he is Fred  
A playful kitty-cat  
a secret life he has lead  
Catching birds and rats

Like Mistofelees he has got  
Powers light and dark  
He can hide up in the loft  
While purring in the car

If they need to find their pets  
He'll vanish in a puff of dust  
If you mention the word 'vet’  
To him escape is a must

When of him they have a need  
He simply is not there  
But if they shake a bag of treats  
He appears out of thin air

Squeakypurr is in the know  
Likes the inside track  
He always finds a place to go  
To have a hidden nap

Squeaky is in the best place  
Got into the zone  
Now there is a smile on his face  
Found a home to call his own


End file.
